


what we do, but don't talk about

by porno_pop



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Johnny's POV, Light Angst, M/M, They are dumb, because they are stupid did i mention it before?, but mostly just stupid pining and misunderstandings, im sorry, no plot and no porn funny right, the usual, they are in love, they have a cat too thats important right?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-06
Updated: 2019-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21696193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/porno_pop/pseuds/porno_pop
Summary: They were supposed to be friends forever and always, but in short moment it all goes to shit, because honestly — you just don't kiss your friend this way. You probably shouldn't kiss him in any possible way.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 10
Kudos: 129





	what we do, but don't talk about

**Author's Note:**

> probably there are some spelling and grammar mistakes. what i mean is: this is unbetaed, i'm so sorry.

Johnny would never choose a rock pub as his first choice to spend his Friday night. He wouldn’t choose it as his second or third either, but there he was. Sitting in a dimly-lit corner of a crowded bar, trying to concentrate on the conversation between Mark and some guy from his work, who happened to be the frequent customer of this place. It was hard, though. New places always made him too curious to be completely focused, eyes scanning the area every few minutes. Being stressed after a few weeks of non-stop working didn’t help much either.  
  
He felt out of place and there was no way of denying it. Maybe it was the exhaustion, maybe it was the distance that he felt from other people, it’s been a while since the last time he had the time and opportunity to actually socialize. It was almost funny how fast you can forget how to talk to people, how your closest friend can be distant just because you didn’t have time to keep in touch with him and his life. But Johnny wasn’t the one to give up easily, so with a little help from alcohol he was able to add few funny remarks to the conversation, he was able to ask questions and remember how easy it was always to make Mark laugh and talk more.  
  
When his glass suddenly is empty, he excuses himself and goes straight to the bar for another one. There’s a lot of people and it’s not entirely comfortable, but he slowly starts to enjoy it. And then a different song starts and it is familiar. Johnny is sure he heard it not that long ago, so he frowns trying to figure out where and when. The guy next to him hums to the rhythm and it’s nice. His voice is nice, just like his whole being is nice. All soft on the cheeks, loose t-shirt and ripped tight jeans. Johnny forgets for a few seconds about the song and focuses on him, thinking about how it happened that he hadn’t seen him earlier. His hair is a mess of wild, brown curls and his smile, when he finally gets his beer, is nothing but charming. His mind goes back to the song, where a woman is singing something about a cherry bomb and Johnny can’t help but think that this guy next to him is a cherry bomb somehow. Lips with a hint of a shiny, rosy gloss are for sure cherry-like.  
  
‘Isn’t that the song from Guardians of…’ he starts suddenly enlightened, without noticing that instead of thinking, he says it out loud. He gets it only when The Guy looks at him, still smiling.  
  
‘The Galaxy, yeah! Cherry Bomb, it’s so good!’ he ends Johnny’s thought with excitement and it’s really hard not to smile with him, so Johnny… He smiles, too.  
  
It starts like this, nothing really, a few smiles and mutual affection for Groot. Just some guy at the bar counter with a sun-like personality, warm and bright. Just tired Johnny and his huge need to let go for a while. It helped that Mark was so engrossed in his friend and their conversation that he didn’t even notice his friend’s disappearance. It helped that Johnny already had few beers before and so did The Guy, Doyoung was his name.  
And even though Doyoung was undeniably attractive and Johnny from a few years back would definitely want to take him home for a night, at that moment he just wanted someone to talk to and laugh and flirt just a little, just to check if he still knows how to do that. Mark and his friend were a good company, but it was this pretty, random guy with bright eyes who made him finally wake up and fully enjoy his time.  
  
That night Doyoung tells him that he never had a proper road trip, and he always wanted one. In exchange Johnny shares that he always wanted a cat, but never had one, because he didn’t feel that he is ready to take care not only of himself but of someone else, too.  
That night Johnny finally remembers how refreshing it is to meet someone new and how good it feels to make this person laugh.  
After that night Johnny ends up alone in his apartment just when the sun rises and he is more happy than exhausted. That night he gets a phone number to remember and a few drunken selfies of two faces dumbly smiling at the camera.  
That night ends with a plan of meeting again, keeping in touch. It ends with a promise and that promise makes Johnny finally breathe fully and wake up in a good mood in the morning.  
  


* * *

  
  
Johnny likes to think that if his life was an already written book, his meeting with Doyoung was a turning point in the whole plot. He hopes his life deserves a happy ending, too. But that’s just a different story.  
The thing is that after meeting him his life changes completely. It takes them maybe a month or two to become close friends, spending most of the weekends and evenings after work together. Doyoung is the one that goes with Johnny to an animal shelter to finally adopt a cat. Doyoung is the one to laugh at Johnny for naming his cat Mr.Puff, when the cat turns out to be a lady actually.  
Doyoung is the one that just smiles and nods his head listening to Johnny when he tries to explain why Mr.Puff is a funny pun and that she probably doesn’t mind being called Mister.  
Doyoung is also the one to call Johnny in the middle of the night crying because he just lost his job and everything crumbled in his life. And if Johnny takes three days off after just to spend time with him and take care of this crying, but still adorable mess, then what? That’s what friends are for.  
  
It takes them another few months to find a nice two-bedroom apartment to rent because it’s cheaper and more convenient to just live together. Doyoung’s friends once said that Johnny seems to have some superpower to put up with Doyoung’s bullshit on a daily basis. Maybe he has, but he’s not an easy person to put up with himself, so Doyoung probably has the same superpower. That’s why they clicked so fast probably, them being the superheroes and stuff.  
  
It’s easy to find a routine, there’s always a list of the products that need to be bought on the fridge and Johnny takes care of it. He knows that the easiest way to keep Doyoung happy is to make sure their fridge is always full, so the younger can cook when he’s stressed, or when he’s happy, or when he has a sudden craving for something sweet.  
They both like their apartment tidy and organized, they both are lazy on Saturdays and it’s an unwritten rule that Johnny makes the coffee as the less lazy one. When Doyoung finally wakes up he can go straight to the living room where Johnny will wait for him with warm coffee with the perfect amount of milk and even warmer blanket to lie under while they watch another anime series.  
  
It is comfortable.  
It is easy.

_Until it’s not._

* * *

  
They are not drunk, at least not that much to be doing something they never thought of doing before. They are not drunk, but somehow Doyoung finds for himself a place to sit on Johnny’s lap. It's all laugh and fun and poking each other's ribs until Johnny grabs Doyoung's waist and brings him even closer to himself. Suddenly it's quiet, suddenly their eyes meet and their breaths stop. It's really hard to say who does it first, maybe it's Doyoung that breaks the eye contact to look at Johnny's lips, but if that true, then Johnny is the one that makes the gap between their faces almost nonexistent.  
  
So what of their lips meet, perfectly matching each other. So what if it feels impossibly good. It's not the fireworks and butterflies in your stomach shit, it's the weird familiarity that shouldn't be there, because it's the first time they do that.  
So what if Johnny never wants it to end and so what if Doyoung wants their shirts off in the next few seconds?  
  
Everything is fine and everything is not. They were supposed to be friends forever and always, but in short moment it all goes to shit, because honestly — you just don't kiss your friend this way. You probably don't kiss him in any possible way. It's hard to stop, though. It's hard to stop, even though they both hear the walls they have built and called friendship boundaries breaking down.  
  
And if they do it again, few days later and again the day after? And again some night after watching One Piece and then wake up together in Doyoung's bed? So what? It doesn't mean anything?  
  
Right?

* * *

  
  
He knows where to look for Mr. Puff when he comes back to the flat in the middle of the night. It's simple and pretty logical, but nonetheless embarrassing in the current situation. His princess started to claim her place in Doyoung’s bed exactly when Johnny started coming back home late or not at all. Loneliness makes you desperate, he likes to think, and princesses such as Mr. Puff had to be really lonely to find a safe place next to the other, probably even bigger, princess such as Doyoung. It's funny how his cat and his 'we don't talk about what we do at night' friend are so similar in their neediness and being annoyingly always right. It's scary, too. That's why instead of going to Doyoung's room, he goes straight to the kitchen because there should be some beer in the fridge, he needs it now. It's almost 4am, he already had few beers before, but stepping into the room where just a few days before you fought with its owner is like walking into Mordor and Johnny never considered himself as a brave hobbit. So no, he won't go there now. He’ll just sit and think how much he fucked up this time and maybe problems will go away without doing anything.  
  
'It’s late and you have work tomorrow, you should go to bed' Doyoung is whispering, voice soft, like he wants to be careful not to wake anyone up in the middle of the night. He is standing in the hallway with tousled hair and puffy cheeks, shining bright in his glory, looking breathtakingly beautiful, as always. His skinny frame practically drowns in an extremely too big t-shirt he always wears to sleep - when he sleeps alone. They fought, they don’t talk, Johnny had hurt him real bad and the younger still cares enough to remind him about something so simple. It feels domestic, it feels wrong now. It hurts to not be able to put arms around him with protectiveness Johnny has only for him. Doyoung is whispering, but Johnny hears him clearly, he's always searching for this voice. Call him whipped, he'll take it. Being in love is terrible.  
  
'I was worried when you didn't come back last night...' Johnny wants to disappear once again, feeling the weight of pure guilt on his shoulders. He looks hesitantly at Doyoung, for one single second thinking that he'll just apologize and everything will be as it was. He’ll fall asleep next to a warm, loved body, listening to quiet hums from the prettiest lips.  
But it's still too hard, the word 'sorry' still feels bitter in his mouth, it doesn't want to get out. He just nods his head instead and goes straight to his own room, so he won't see the look on Doyoung's pretty face, the one full of hurt and disappointment.  
  


* * *

  
  
There is always this pure admiration in Doyoung's eyes when he looks at Jaehyun, since day one. At first, Johnny was glad, proud even, he wanted them to get along ever since he started working with Jae. But as time went by, they started to get along too well for his liking. Every time he heard something along the lines  
'Oh, I'm actually having lunch with Jaehyun now' or 'Doie came to the studio, you can join if you want' he felt this deep, stupid jealousy boiling in his stomach. Because they weren't supposed to hang out without him, they weren't supposed to forget to invite him. But they did.  
Being completely honest, Johnny gets why Jaehyun likes to spend time with Doyoung. He is always nice and easy to just be with. With a single smile, he makes people comfortable. He's very passionate, too. He shares this passion with everyone using his whole body, always eager and open for new possibilities.  
Johnny and Jaehyun, they both had been through some tough, lonely times. Times when a person with personality as warm as Doyoung's was everything they wished for. So yeah, he gets it, but still, he's terrible at sharing what he loves. And he loves Doyoung, it was already hard enough to share him with the other friends, Jaehyun's presence and the way how easy it is for him to make Doyoung smile is just too much.  
  
And then there are even more people making Doyoungs eyes shine bright with excitement, making him forget that Johnny should be the one, that Johnny still needs attention. He feels like a complete douche bag when Jeno, the sweetest person on earth honestly, comes to their shared flat for tutoring sessions with Doyoung and another pang of jealousy is taking over his body. Because yet again, Doyoung is doing what he always does, makes the other person feel welcomed, gives away his warmth and smiles like candies on Halloween.  
  
So sometimes they fight because of that. Because some days he feels insecure, tired of wondering what the hell is their relationship, wondering if they will always be just friends when all Johnny wants to do is to put a ring on Doyoung’s stupidly perfect finger and scream at the top of his lungs that ‘this boy right here? Mine’.  
He feels awfully possessive and he just can't stop the words leaving his mouth.  
  
'Sometimes you’re such an attention whore. I'm just so... sick of it.'  
  
It's an obvious lie, a dirty one too, they both know that. But Doyoung's face still breaks into a tragic grimace, his eyes somehow watery, lips trembling.  
  
And Johnny knows, he fucked up once again.

* * *

  
  
‘Don’t even try talking to me and don’t look at me with those puppy eyes, I’m not helping your stupid ass.’ Jungwoo may look angelic, pure and too pretty for this world, but no one knows better than Johnny how scary he can be. ‘I’m angry at you, you’ve lost your privilege to sulk in my kitchen for at least few days, so be quick.’ He’s overly protective of Doyoung, so every time Johnny fights with him, he also indirectly fights with Jungwoo.  
  
‘I’m just asking for help. So help me, please...’ Johnny doesn’t have to try to sound desperate, he just is. He wants to make everything better, and Jungwoo is the only reasonable choice to seek help from. He also lives conveniently in the same building, always quiet and organized, making sure no one kills anybody in the Suh-Kim apartment.  
  
Jungwoo stays quiet for a minute looking at Johnny like he’s trying to decide if he should punch him in the face or leave without a word. He stands up eventually and goes to the fridge, takes a bottle of soju and comes back to the table.  
  
‘I think you’re an idiot and I’m pissed at you, but I’m not going to drink alone, because that’s pathetic’ he explains already pouring the alcohol for both of them. ‘So you’ll drink with me and explain how you’re going to say sorry to him, so I can tell you that it’s dumb and eventually... I’ll tell you how to do it properly.’  
  
Johnny smiles at that, Jungwoo never disappoints.  
  


* * *

  
  
It’s been a while and tonight he finally feels brave, tonight he wants to fix everything, he's already tired of holding back the urge to wrap his arms around Doyoung's fragile frame. Especially since for the past few days he looks nothing but sad and exhausted and it breaks Johnny's heart.  
Today, just before going out to grab a beer with friends, he saw Doyoung walking around the flat wearing one of Johnny's shirts. That was a sign, he is stubborn and too much in love with his own clothes to wear someone else's. He wore this shirt only a few times before. Mainly when Johnny was away for too long. Or, just like now, when they fought and that was his way of showing that he wants to forget about it.  
Johnny is thrilled, Johnny is beyond ecstatic, even though he was supposed to party all night, he barely lasts two hours trying to concentrate on Jaehyun's words before taking his things, saying brief goodbye and going back home.  
Without hesitation, he goes straight to the room he adamantly tried to avoid for two weeks now, ready to claim a comfy place in Doyoung’s bed. He opens the door quietly and there's no surprise that Mr. Puff is there. Sitting next to sleeping Doyoung, observing, maybe even judging her owner.  
There's this thing with Mr. Puff, Johnny realized, that she's always next to Doyoung when Johnny is not. At first, he thought that she goes to him when she misses him, but that's not it. Not at all. She's spending her nights with the younger after they fight or when Johnny is away, but always, without any exception, when Doyoung needs company. She's not missing her owner, ungrateful woman, she's making sure that his (boy)friend is sleeping well because everyone knows that he is terrified when alone at night.  
  


* * *

  
  
'Can we talk? I really wanted to say...' he starts hesitantly, but Doyoung stops him in the middle of the sentence, slender finger poking Johnny's cheek.  
'We will talk in the morning, it's really late.' his voice is surprisingly steady, a hint of a smile visible on his face. 'You can stay here for the night.' he adds quietly and lies down, leaving a free place next to him. It takes Johnny just a few seconds to take this place for himself, his body like on autopilot quickly finding the best position to hold Doyoung's lithe body close, an arm wrapped around perfect, tiny waist protectively, his nose just a breath away from his nape.  
'Does that mean we're fine?' he asks, barely a whisper, closing his eyes already, because he knows he can finally sleep well, exhausted after nights of meaningless walking around, nights of trying to fall asleep alone and failing miserably.  
'No, we're not' the answer comes short, stabbing him with its invisible blade. It's quiet after that, for a minute or two. Johnny too scared to say anything, Doyoung probably already falling asleep.  
  
'But we will be.' Doyoung adds and takes one of Johnny's hands to let their fingers intertwine, just like they always do.  
  
After two weeks, they can finally sleep in peace.  
  


* * *

  
  
He wakes up first, like always. Doyoung is still quietly snoring with his nose pressed into Johnny's shoulder. It's peaceful and quiet, almost like nothing happened. Mr. Puff already left somewhere, probably deciding she's not needed here, since her owner came back.  
He gives himself few more minutes of this pure bliss and then leaves Doyoung's side to prepare breakfast and coffee for both of them. He's not sure what to say when Doyoung wakes up, he's not sure what he'll hear from him, what to expect. But it can't be bad, he tells himself.  
  
When Doyoung comes to the living room, still yawning and having troubles to keep his eyes open, everything is ready for him. Pancakes are waiting to be eaten, coffee lures him with its smell. Johnny has Doyoung's favorite blanket ready, but he says nothing, staying perfectly quiet.  
  
'Do you wanna start or should I do that?' that's the first thing that leaves Doyoung's mouth when he's done with breakfast, already cuddled on their sofa, finally giving all of his attention to Johnny.  
  
'I'm not really sure how to start, all I know is that I'm genuinely sorry and…'  
  
'I love you, Johnny.' Doyoung interrupts him, his voice clear and sure, his eyes searching for reaction. 'I love you and deep inside I know you love me, too. Sometimes I just don't understand you, I don't understand why we couldn't find it in ourselves to talk about us before. Us, because I don't remember the last time I thought about something I wanted to do, I wanted to see and didn't include you in this. I wanted and still want everything with you. Before, when we just met and started to get to know each other you told me you want to be friends and I agreed, but back then I already knew… That I wanted something more. But that's not important right now.' he stops talking to catch a breath and makes a vague gesture with his hand, like he really wants to put some thought away. He started to tremble a little during his speech. Johnny wants to take him in his arms and calm him down. Talking about feelings never was their strongest point, it's stressful and the words never seem to be enough.  
  
'Doie…' he wants to help him a little, say something from himself, but the younger shut him up with his hand on Johnny's mouth.  
  
'No, let me finish. I need to… I have to tell you everything. We were idiots long enough and I'm so tired. So exhausted, Johnny. There are moments when I'm the happiest person alive, when we plan our future together, when you hold me close and I just know I'm safe, that I don't need to pretend someone I'm not. But then my heart breaks a little every time I have to remind myself that we're friends. That even though you're jealous of the time I spend with other people, even though you whisper to me sweet nothings how you love my body and how you l o v e my voice when we fuck, you still insist on calling me your best friend.'  
  
It hurts to look at Doyoung now, his eyes are shining, but not their usual, warm shine, but it's the tears threatening to fall down his cheek.  
They used to call characters in movies dumb, because instead of talking with each other they acted without thinking and that's how problems were made. And it turns out they were doing the same thing for years, if the situation wasn't so serious, Johnny would laugh how probably there's someone watching or reading about their life and calling them dumb, too. Instead of laughing, he brings Doyoung closer to himself, tucks him in his blanket and hugs. Hugs like his life depends on it, because it really does. Doyoung is his life, and he has him now in his arms, trembling and delicate. He said that they will be fine yesterday and Johnny believed him, that's the only thing that keeps him sane now.  
  
'You know, I have this ring that you saw last Christmas and loved so much. I have it hidden in my drawer. You told me it's the perfect proposal ring, so I went the same shop the next day and bought it.' Johnny starts, his voice quiet and fingers tracing slowly along Doyoung's shoulders to calm him down.' I don't know when exactly, but one day I woke up and kinda already knew that I'm going to try proposing you some day. It was perfectly obvious to me, we're great together, you get me like no one else does. I love not only your body, but your perfectionist and lazy self, too. Somehow you always know what I need and I think I know what you need, too. But you're right, I was clinging to the idea of us as best friends, because that was easy, that was familiar. Love, relationship… It felt serious, I wasn't sure I'm ready for that. But I was ready, I know that now. And I still think of you as my best friend. I'm lucky to fall in love with my best friend and I'm lucky that he loves me, too.'  
  
  
If the small smile slowly appearing on Doyoung's face tell something it's probably that they are going to work this out, together. Falling in love in your best friend has it's perks, too. Since the first day they have met - they were great at staying together somehow.  
  
_We're going to be fine_, Johnny thinks. 

* * *

'I can't believe it.' Doyoung says suddenly, for a second stopping doing the dished to look at Johnny, almost laughing.

'What exactly?' Johnny looks up from his plate, curious eyes scanning Doyoung's body slowly to finally reach his face.

'We really had to fight and don't talk to each other for the millionth time to finally admit there's love here?'  
  
'I'm dumb, you are the one that thinks in this relationship, I'm the one doing…'  
  
'Don't even try saying that, John. I'm warning you.'  
  
'... you.' 

It's the moment when Jungwoo has to step in once again and make sure they don't kill each other before the wedding. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm so sorry, i found this in the depths of my docs, completely forgotten (probably for a reason, but well). 
> 
> i'm here to talk about   
_johndo married_  
_married johndo_  
_johhny and doyoung just married_


End file.
